Section 1: INFORMATION
Once power has been rested from the incumbent government a paradigm shift from the old regime to the new one can always create a few hiccups and loud rattles from the rabble-rousers and the undesirables. These agitators must be dealt with swiftly and unmercifully if order is to be contained under the new regime.
It is imperative that all communication and media is tightly controlled (or at least monitored) during the initial period of reorganization and re-education. If ultimately deemed necessary seizure of all communications outlets should be executed through show of force and with extreme prejudice. This is, of course, the most opportune time to eliminate all that loud music and those dirty words.
Also any and all late night cable shows dealing with sexual taboos must be eliminated. One time they were piercing vaginas! On television! Flappity labia and blood were everywhere. I mean...Vaginas! For any child to see! The only vagina a child should see is a mother's...when it comes screaming out!
Section 2: REORGANIZATION
All government subsidies and arms should be reorganized to fall under a single entity controlling all aspects of the system. This will eliminate the perceived necessitation of a ‘check and balance’ protocol or any need for transparency or oversight.
All needs of the citizens of the new regime will be handled through this new single entity.
Each and every citizen will be handled with respect and his or her requests processed promptly: unless of course they are rude or show any hint of a disrespectful attitude. It must be the case, of course, that the citizens do not talk to their government that way!
This is especially true if they are asking for a favor. The functionaries of the new regime are not their servants for Pete’s sake!
Section 3: BUDGETARY and FINANCIAL
Monetary funds will be allotted for special interest groups and public work projects on a standpoint of status and urgency. These allotments will consist of enough to complete said project and/or fund said special interest. That is, of course, provided the interest or project is not a waste of time like a video game or loud music. Why not give it to charity? There are starving people in some of the less represented areas of this government's reach.
If said interest group or project has an upstanding track record and is currently in good standing, has shown in the past to make wise fiscal decisions and not spent the money on supply stores they’ll never use anyway…they may be awarded future funds based on their prospectuses and budget projections.
It is also imperative that said group has done all the government has asked of them. It’s not that hard, is it? The procedure was just a short list. It could have been knocked out in a few hours last Saturday. But a certain special interest group was busy canoodling with the faggoty Environmental lobby!
That is not the government's fault. We did tell you it would never get done if you didn't do it before you went out. But no! I guess you know me that we do! We've only been in power twice as long as you've been alive!
Section 4: DEFENSE and FOREIGN POLICY
It is incredibly impolite to start a fight and a government must try at all times to avoid doing so. After all, what would the neighboring regimes think? Especially that new one that just moved in down the street. The Brown family. With their smiles and their new televisions. And did you see their GDP? They're either smuggling drugs or smuggling people. Only two ways those Browns ever make money.
In the event of stalemate of negotiations (i.e. sighing, eye rolling, obvious coughing) one must wait to be provoked and even then, violence is a last resort. Firstly, attempt to spread rumors that the leaders of the opposing governments have had work done to the aesthetic appearance of their Regime. Those aren't real! I mean, come on!
You may also intimate in the global hair salon that they are either lushes or trophy governments. This will serve to destabilize the moral of said government and hopefully push them to drink more than the standard two glasses of red wine a day.
If, at last, this doesn’t work, commence an epic bombardment and show them who’s boss once and for all. That’ll teach them to meddle.
Section 5: MOTIVATION
The citizens of the new regime need to be made to understand that everything that has happened is in their best interest.
They may very well not like it or understand it now, but they will and they need to be encouraged to follow the rules even if they do not like or understand them. After all, the rules are there for a reason. Rules are called rules because they should be followed. They can’t be rewritten. And even if they could be rewritten, who would do it? Not the government. The government was busy all day, laundering money, white-washing scandals, cooking the books…
It’s been a really trying day and the government is just not in the mood to clean up another mess. Oh…I guess the government can take care of it…if it really has too. Even though this one last thing might just break the government’s back or make it take another little blue pill. Oh Lord! Another blue pill? That might just send the government over the edge. Maybe…just maybe, the government will finally be forced to put each an every citizen in a hot bath and leave the room to answer the phone for a just a few minutes. What could happen? Really? It’ll just be a minute or two…
That’s what the government thought. Thank you for your help. Really. The government needs the rest.
