Undermining Modern Authority Figures

President: Failed deity, hyperbole enthusiast

Vice President: Failed tycoon, sociopath

Senator: Failed executive, sexual deviant

Representative: Hoping no one asks any questions

CIA Agent: Failed Tom Clancy character, black duster enthusiast

FBI Agent: Failed CIA agent, Agent Scully enthusiast

Police Officer: Failed FBI Agent, hate fuck junky

Fire Fighter: Failed arsonist

Teacher: Failed doer

Physical Education Teacher: Failed teacher

University Professor: Failed doer and pretentious about it

Feminist Litigator and Activist: Member of first wives club, ugly man-hating cunt

Pundit (Overall): Failed political analyst, attention whore

Pundit (Newscorp): Failed political analyst, attention whore, former tabloid journalist, clinically insane

Clergy: Delusional glutton for punishment

Catholic Clergy: White robe enthusiast, lazy pederast

Physician: Morphine addict

Psychiatrist (Male): Failed Physician, elderly, European, cigar and Van Dyke enthusiast

Psychiatrist (Female): Lorraine Bracco enthusiast

Satirist: Failed philosopher, pleased with self

Web Based Satirist: Suicidal

Melinda Confuses A Medical Emergency With Sexual Euphemism

MELINDA: Hello? 

PEGGY: Melinda! You've got to help me! My vagina's on fire!

MELINDA: Oh, what was his name?

PEGGY: Greg. I mean, it must have been him. He's been the only one in months.

MELINDA: You slut!

PEGGY: I know! But what do I do now?

MELINDA: When are you going to see him again?

PEGGY: We have another date tonight but...

MELINDA: Well, I'm sure he'll put the fire out.

PEGGY: Do you think he knows how?

MELINDA: Well, he's the one who started it. I should hope so.

PEGGY: Do you think he has a cream or something?

MELINDA: Creams are fine, I suppose. But I prefer just straight lube.

PEGGY: Will lube help?

MELINDA: Well it depends.

PEGGY: On what?

MELINDA: Whether or not you, well...you can grease the wheels on your own.

PEGGY: We were talking about cream. Now there are wheels in play?

MELINDA: Sounds fun to me! You minx!

PEGGY: This is too complicated. What do I do about the discharge though?

MELINDA: You wait.

PEGGY: For what?

MELINDA: Until it comes through. When you have yourself a uniform you hold onto it.

PEGGY: I don't know about how uniform it is, but the discharge is coming through as we speak. I think people are starting to notice. Between the color and the...

MELINDA: The discharge has come through already?

PEGGY: I think so. I'm afraid to look. But it smells like I've opened my own fishery.

MELINDA: I thought you were working accounts receivable...

PEGGY: I am.

MELINDA: You're confusing me babe. Oh, did I tell you I caught the clap again?

Six Signs You've Just Been Forcibly Sodomized

1. You were awake, alert and severely in the moment when someone whom you had not invited, or otherwise indicated to that you were partial to spur of the moment sodomy, sodomized you. 
2. You are crying and sitting in a shower stall.
3. You keep getting points and laughs while wearing your favorite white hip-hugger pants.
4. You are in a gritty French film and are too beautiful to walk to the club by yourself. 
5. Your stance and gate are wide and deep enough that you could easily step over a lamppost without breaking stride.
6. You were asking for it. You know who you are.

Seldom Heard Responses at a Woody Allen Film School Q & A

Mr. Allen:  “You may consider yourself invited to screw off and lick my wrinkled old ball-sack if you think “Breathless” even holds a candle to “La Dolce Vita”.  Get your head outta your ass!”

---

Mr. Allen:  “I, um, would like to quote an old joke in response to that…unless there are any objections?”

(Audience stirs with well-mannered anticipation)

Mr. Allen:  “Well, um, it’s a very old joke and is slightly off color, but, um, according to my analyst is very illustrative of my feelings on that very topic.  And, um, I am, of course, paraphrasing a bit here, but…There was an old man from Nantucket…”

----

Mr. Allen:  “I don’t understand.  Um, could you qualify that?”

(Audience member reiterates and elaborates on the initial interrogative)

Mr. Allen:  “Oh, well, when it comes to sitting down and putting something on paper I recommend getting out of your, um, head completely and trying as hard as is physically possible not to be self serving or neurotic.  It really…well, um, it’s a real turn off.  And no Oedipal jokes!  For the love of God, no Oedipal jokes!”

----

Mr. Allen: "...yes, yes. His dick was so long he could suck it..."

---

Mr. Allen:  “Pedophilia?  Who the fuck said that?”

---

Mr. Allen: “I have every confidence, um, that the women I have cast as leading ladies in my films would be just as interested in me if I wasn’t a famed literati, film-maker, intellectual and millionaire several times over.  Every, um, every confidence in the world.  And that is saying something, given the state of my confidence these days.”

(Audience laughs) 

(Audience member at the mic asks for clarification on response)

Mr. Allen:  “Why specifically?  Well, I would have to imagine it’s because I rock out with my cock out. Dig the sweater-vest!”

---

Mr. Allen:  “To be perfectly frank I think that many of the positions taken by Freud and the psychoanalysts who still adhere to his doctrines are extremely overwrought, ill-defined and honestly very laughable given modern advances in the understanding of brain physiology and the more detailed and empirical studies conducted on the function of emotion and psychology since Freud first formed his hypotheses.”

(Audience sits silently)

(Mr. Allen laughs)

Mr. Allen:  “Naw…I’m just fucking with ya.”

---

Mr. Allen: "So by the time I realize she wants an actual pearl necklace, I've got it out and I'm rockin' like half a stalk..."

---

(Mr. Allen laughs gutturally along with the audience for several moments)

Mr. Allen:  “I get it!  No, um, no, wait!  I get it!  Jews like to eat Chinese!  See, it’s funny because it’s true.  Plus there’s that whole double meaning thing!  Oh, man.  It’s fun to laugh!”

---

(Mr. Allen thinks very intensely for a long moment)

Mr. Allen:  “I’d have to say I’m an ass man.”

---

Mr. Allen:  “Absolutely!  I would include “Hollywood Ending” among my best films and, um, I would have to say it’s my favorite.  I mean, come on.  If you know comedy…like, okay…here’s a good example:  Remember that scene where I can’t see anything, you know, because of the whole psychosomatic blindness thing because my character is soooooo neurotic and I run into a wall and fall down?  Oh, man.  You should have seen me when I was writing that.  Seriously!  I think my side literally split.  Oh, and then there was the thing with my son, you know, the death rocker?  Scumbag X?  And how he ate a live rat on stage?  You see?  I’ll take a moment while you marvel at my ability to both remain abreast of current musical and pop-culture trends and to mirror them back to you in my films.  Oh, I know!  I know!  It’s wild.”

---

Mr. Allen:  “I don’t know.  I’m not much of a reader.  I really like the funnies, though.  Have you seen what Marmaduke has been up to lately?  Holy shitballs!”

---

Mr. Allen: "...if my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!"

(Silence)

The End of the Ironic

Douglas Mackenzie was sitting in his favorite whorehouse for the second straight hour without having been acknowledged. Most who knew him agreed that he was the least self aware man they had ever encountered and wouldn't know what to do with a sense of humor were it hot-glued to his face.

Their estimations were justified when he suddenly shouted, without a grin and out loud to no one in particular: "Hey! Who do you gotta fuck to get fucked around here?"

Did You Know?

Nine out of ten doctors agree the tenth guy is just holding out because he doesn't like to be a follower. We are talking about a fucking cure for AIDS after all!

Easter With The Pattersons

Dave and Michelle Patterson had been married for only three months when they had their first real fight. Dave stepped into the bedroom, freshly showered and leveled his eyes over the sexy figure of his baby-doll pajama wearing wife. It always took his breath away. He, wearing nothing but a Chesire grin, sat down behind her to begin rubbing her shoulders.

She enjoyed the gesture but turned to him with solemn eyes and said, "I don't feel right about this. Not on Easter Sunday, right?" She still maintained the pleasant naivete, or at least the appearance, of a woman who had married young and waited, as she thought it was her duty, to have sex until she was married.

"Well, if we can't go all the way, how about a little mouth release?" Dave asked. He gestured with his right hand towards his mouth and popped his tongue into the opposing cheek. Michelle slowly shook her head. She hated the idea of disappointing her new husband, but there were still a few things she wasn't comfortable with, even in a marital context. There were even a few things Dave had suggested during the throws of wedded bliss that she was unable to decipher, in spite of her mother's protracted pre-marital lesson on the art of coitus. 

She still couldn't figure out for the life of her what "the Angry Dragon" could possibly mean. Nor was she eager to wait, as Dave had suggested, until that time of her month when he could "go fishing in the decommissioned treasury."

She steeled herself against a disappointed response. But, to her amazement, Dave seemed oddly enthusiastic and wore a devious smile on his face.

"Why are you so happy?" She asked, slightly charmed at his response.

Dave smiled back and said, "It's not every day you get cock blocked by a zombie." He then tried to high five her. 

The remainder of his evening was spent trying to coax his sobbing wife out of a locked bathroom.

A Sickening and Weird Compendium Of Angry E-mails To A Female Senator (And Their Benign Form Responses)

Dear Honorable Madam Senator of Delaware:

You got a lot of nerve!  Do you know that?  Your cavalier and sycophantic attitude with regards to the ever-growing lesbian-vegetarian-Wiccan lobby is totally unacceptable and will invariably lead to the downfall of everything I hold dear in this, our great country.  I simply will not abide any further action on your part with regards to this issue unless it is a complete reversal of your policy stance.  Your careless position will bring nothing less than naked lesbians eating veggies and casting spells outside my son’s Preschool.  How can you sleep at night?

Sincerely,

Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you greatly for your input and concern with regards to this issue.  I assure you that I have taken your position under advisement and will consider it greatly when next faced with a decision in the area of your concern.  Thank you again for your input.

Sincerely,

The Honorable Madam Senator of Delaware

Dear Honorable Madam Senator of Delaware:

I simply refuse to be fobbed off with a form letter.  It is irresponsible and frankly very rude and unkind when I am pouring my heart out on a point of such grave and dire importance.  Just this morning a couple of hairy lesbians pelted my car with Guava fruit and turned my cat from Black to white with large black spots.  It’s barely the same cat.  Answer me, damnit!  Answer me in kind or…I just don’t know what I might do!

Sincerely,

Growingly Angered Citizen

The Passive Agressive Mother's Guide To A Successful Coup d'état

Section 1: INFORMATION

Once power has been rested from the incumbent government a paradigm shift from the old regime to the new one can always create a few hiccups and loud rattles from the rabble-rousers and the undesirables. These agitators must be dealt with swiftly and unmercifully if order is to be contained under the new regime.  

It is imperative that all communication and media is tightly controlled (or at least monitored) during the initial period of reorganization and re-education. If ultimately deemed necessary seizure of all communications outlets should be executed through show of force and with extreme prejudice. This is, of course, the most opportune time to eliminate all that loud music and those dirty words.  

Also any and all late night cable shows dealing with sexual taboos must be eliminated. One time they were piercing vaginas! On television!  Flappity labia and blood were everywhere. I mean...Vaginas! For any child to see! The only vagina a child should see is a mother's...when it comes screaming out!

Section 2: REORGANIZATION

All government subsidies and arms should be reorganized to fall under a single entity controlling all aspects of the system. This will eliminate the perceived necessitation of a ‘check and balance’ protocol or any need for transparency or oversight.

All needs of the citizens of the new regime will be handled through this new single entity.
Each and every citizen will be handled with respect and his or her requests processed promptly: unless of course they are rude or show any hint of a disrespectful attitude. It must be the case, of course, that the citizens do not talk to their government that way!

This is especially true if they are asking for a favor. The functionaries of the new regime are not their servants for Pete’s sake!

Section 3: BUDGETARY and FINANCIAL

Monetary funds will be allotted for special interest groups and public work projects on a standpoint of status and urgency. These allotments will consist of enough to complete said project and/or fund said special interest. That is, of course, provided the interest or project is not a waste of time like a video game or loud music. Why not give it to charity? There are starving people in some of the less represented areas of this government's reach. 

If said interest group or project has an upstanding track record and is currently in good standing, has shown in the past to make wise fiscal decisions and not spent the money on supply stores they’ll never use anyway…they may be awarded future funds based on their prospectuses and budget projections.

It is also imperative that said group has done all the government has asked of them. It’s not that hard, is it? The procedure was just a short list. It could have been knocked out in a few hours last Saturday. But a certain special interest group was busy canoodling with the faggoty Environmental lobby!

That is not the government's fault. We did tell you it would never get done if you didn't do it before you went out. But no! I guess you know me that we do! We've only been in power twice as long as you've been alive! 

Section 4: DEFENSE and FOREIGN POLICY

It is incredibly impolite to start a fight and a government must try at all times to avoid doing so. After all, what would the neighboring regimes think? Especially that new one that just moved in down the street. The Brown family. With their smiles and their new televisions. And did you see their GDP? They're either smuggling drugs or smuggling people. Only two ways those Browns ever make money. 

In the event of stalemate of negotiations (i.e. sighing, eye rolling, obvious coughing) one must wait to be provoked and even then, violence is a last resort. Firstly, attempt to spread rumors that the leaders of the opposing governments have had work done to the aesthetic appearance of their Regime. Those aren't real! I mean, come on!

You may also intimate in the global hair salon that they are either lushes or trophy governments. This will serve to destabilize the moral of said government and hopefully push them to drink more than the standard two glasses of red wine a day.

If, at last, this doesn’t work, commence an epic bombardment and show them who’s boss once and for all. That’ll teach them to meddle.


Section 5: MOTIVATION 

The citizens of the new regime need to be made to understand that everything that has happened is in their best interest.

They may very well not like it or understand it now, but they will and they need to be encouraged to follow the rules even if they do not like or understand them. After all, the rules are there for a reason. Rules are called rules because they should be followed. They can’t be rewritten. And even if they could be rewritten, who would do it? Not the government. The government was busy all day, laundering money, white-washing scandals, cooking the books…

It’s been a really trying day and the government is just not in the mood to clean up another mess. Oh…I guess the government can take care of it…if it really has too. Even though this one last thing might just break the government’s back or make it take another little blue pill. Oh Lord! Another blue pill? That might just send the government over the edge. Maybe…just maybe, the government will finally be forced to put each an every citizen in a hot bath and leave the room to answer the phone for a just a few minutes. What could happen? Really? It’ll just be a minute or two…

That’s what the government thought. Thank you for your help. Really. The government needs the rest.