Mr. Allen: “You may consider yourself invited to screw off and lick my wrinkled old ball-sack if you think “Breathless” even holds a candle to “La Dolce Vita”. Get your head outta your ass!”
---
Mr. Allen: “I, um, would like to quote an old joke in response to that…unless there are any objections?”
(Audience stirs with well-mannered anticipation)
Mr. Allen: “Well, um, it’s a very old joke and is slightly off color, but, um, according to my analyst is very illustrative of my feelings on that very topic. And, um, I am, of course, paraphrasing a bit here, but…There was an old man from Nantucket…”
----
Mr. Allen: “I don’t understand. Um, could you qualify that?”
(Audience member reiterates and elaborates on the initial interrogative)
Mr. Allen: “Oh, well, when it comes to sitting down and putting something on paper I recommend getting out of your, um, head completely and trying as hard as is physically possible not to be self serving or neurotic. It really…well, um, it’s a real turn off. And no Oedipal jokes! For the love of God, no Oedipal jokes!”
----
Mr. Allen: "...yes, yes. His dick was so long he could suck it..."
---
Mr. Allen: “Pedophilia? Who the fuck said that?”
---
Mr. Allen: “I have every confidence, um, that the women I have cast as leading ladies in my films would be just as interested in me if I wasn’t a famed literati, film-maker, intellectual and millionaire several times over. Every, um, every confidence in the world. And that is saying something, given the state of my confidence these days.”
(Audience laughs)
(Audience member at the mic asks for clarification on response)
Mr. Allen: “Why specifically? Well, I would have to imagine it’s because I rock out with my cock out. Dig the sweater-vest!”
---
Mr. Allen: “To be perfectly frank I think that many of the positions taken by Freud and the psychoanalysts who still adhere to his doctrines are extremely overwrought, ill-defined and honestly very laughable given modern advances in the understanding of brain physiology and the more detailed and empirical studies conducted on the function of emotion and psychology since Freud first formed his hypotheses.”
(Audience sits silently)
(Mr. Allen laughs)
Mr. Allen: “Naw…I’m just fucking with ya.”
---
---Mr. Allen: "So by the time I realize she wants an actual pearl necklace, I've got it out and I'm rockin' like half a stalk..."
(Mr. Allen laughs gutturally along with the audience for several moments)
Mr. Allen: “I get it! No, um, no, wait! I get it! Jews like to eat Chinese! See, it’s funny because it’s true. Plus there’s that whole double meaning thing! Oh, man. It’s fun to laugh!”
---
(Mr. Allen thinks very intensely for a long moment)
Mr. Allen: “I’d have to say I’m an ass man.”
---
Mr. Allen: “Absolutely! I would include “Hollywood Ending” among my best films and, um, I would have to say it’s my favorite. I mean, come on. If you know comedy…like, okay…here’s a good example: Remember that scene where I can’t see anything, you know, because of the whole psychosomatic blindness thing because my character is soooooo neurotic and I run into a wall and fall down? Oh, man. You should have seen me when I was writing that. Seriously! I think my side literally split. Oh, and then there was the thing with my son, you know, the death rocker? Scumbag X? And how he ate a live rat on stage? You see? I’ll take a moment while you marvel at my ability to both remain abreast of current musical and pop-culture trends and to mirror them back to you in my films. Oh, I know! I know! It’s wild.”
---
Mr. Allen: “I don’t know. I’m not much of a reader. I really like the funnies, though. Have you seen what Marmaduke has been up to lately? Holy shitballs!”
---
Mr. Allen: "...if my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!"
(Silence)
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